You Give Men a Bad Name.

My friend April’s catch cry seems to be, “All men are assholes.” I refuse to believe this, but sometimes certain men can make it mighty hard.

A month or two ago I met this guy. We exchanged flirty eye contact and eventually I got up the courage to add him on Facebook; today’s equivalent of courtship’s first step. Flirty messages followed, and we eventually hooked up just before Christmas.

While I made no secret that I was into him, he was a little harder to read, however when he approached me at a party; kissed me; invited me back to his house that night; I figured it was safe to assume that he was into me, too. He whispered sweet nothings into my ear, told me I was making him crazy with some of the things I’d written to him (I didn’t think I’d written anything out of the ordinary, but each to their own) and led me to a secluded corner of the party for more of the same. Again, safe to assume he was into me.

Then, after a couple of emails the next few days about how we were each feeling (physically, not emotionally) the day after the party, nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

I’d even asked him if, after Christmas, he’d like to catch up for a drink to get to know each other better. A date, I believe the kids call it these days. No reply. Come on, dude, you’re 30: grow up and call a sister back. Even just to tell me that you had fun that night, but that was all it’d amount to. We’re not in high school anymore.

And it wasn’t even like I’d gone back to his house like he’d asked. Maybe then it’d be understandable that all he’d wanted was sex and then decided to drop me like I was hot. But I went home with my friends and he went home with his. One friend suggested maybe all he had wanted was sex, and when he knew he couldn’t get that from me on the first date kiss, he figured I wasn’t worth the effort. (Full disclosure: I am.) But, again, JUST TELL ME! Is it really that hard to send a ten second email saying thanks, but no thanks?

What makes it even more awkward is that I work with him. Not in the same department, but close enough so that I see him several times a week. And he’s nice as pie, smiles, says hello, asks how I am. I smile curtly and respond; we’re adults, after all, even if he hasn’t really been demonstrating this.

Why do men insist on acting this way? And, I’m sure, a lot of men would assert that women act hot and cold, too. I’ve certainly been guilty of it in the past but, as I mature, I prefer to tell people straight if they’ve upset me or if I’m just not that into them.

Even one of the guys I’ve spoken to about my dilemma boiled his actions down to his Y chromosome. I just don’t believe this. I know plenty of men who are the polar opposite of this trope; then again, I know plenty of men who adhere to it. I suppose, despite what pop culture, bogus science and years of socialisation have told us, it’s really all about the individual, no matter whether they come from Venus or Mars. Douches come from both planets.

Elsewhere: [Jezebel] Men & Women Are Sooo Different, According to Sketchy Research.

6 thoughts on “You Give Men a Bad Name.

  1. Ok so I think you’ve got me all wrong. I may make the broad statement but I am aware they aren’t all intentionally assholes. They just all have the capacity to be assholes and way too many of them end up acting as such. To be honest I really think it comes down to the differences in the sexes. Boys aren’t fostered to show or express their emotions so as men they struggle to deal with the emotions of the women around them. It’s this avoidance that leads them to not call ladies back, to not be absolutely frank when they just don’t feel the same way and they say nothing as they think it’s actually better for us women folk than telling us they just aren’t that into us. And this isn’t just me making assumptions. This has come from me actually confronting the men who hath scorned me getting the reasoning behind such juvenile behaviour. I’m sure I have a lot more to say on this topic but I think I’ve explained my stance enough for now.

  2. April, you have said that exact line to me on many different occasions. Unless you’ve dated or known every single man on the planet, you are making a gross assumption. And as this article attempts to point toward, the “differences in the sexes” aren’t that broad. Just because you’re a guy doesn’t mean you’re automatically an asshole, and just because someone has the capacity to be an asshole, doesn’t mean they are on the whole.

  3. Pingback: Welcome to Monday! ~ 16th January 2012 | feminaust ~ for australian feminism

  4. Pingback: Okay, So Maybe I Was Wrong… You Give Men a Bad Name Revisited. « The Early Bird Catches the Worm

  5. I think what Apriline means is that “All men (that she has dated) are assholes.” And I would have to agree with her there.
    Scarlett, I am so proud of this article you have written. It IS time for men to stand up and just say what they are feeling; girls will not think of them any less.
    Sure, girls have to take some responsibility for failed relationships; they (or should I say we) need to put them (our) selves out there but from what I read in your article (and know personally) you DID just that. You made the first move, asked him out for a drink and he responded like a dick.
    This man definitley gave men as a population a bad name but that is because he didnt realise what a jewel you are. Unfortunately you have to avoid a few landmines before you reach safety (I’m going for a war metaphor here) and if I were you, I would be very grateful that you avoided this particular bomb.

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